Problems with sex, intimacy, and quarantine

Home from Work is Now Work From Home
There are a number of reasons for fluctuations in an individual’s libido: diet, exercise, lifestyle, medications, hormones, and seasonal change are just a few. However, one of the biggest impacts recently is that most of us are now wearing a number of hats within our own homes. While home used to be a place where we were able to relax, check out of work, and be our authentic selves, many of us have seen dining rooms, bedrooms, and kitchen tables turned into offices. According to a 2019 study by Wrike, 94% of Americans experience work stress. With boundaries between work and home now blurred, people are experiencing increased stress at home, which in turn lowers desire to engage with our partner and libido in general.

Disappearing Date Nights
In addition, many traditional “date night” options are closed: dine in restaurants, bars, movies, babysitters or childcare, live music, festivals, and art galleries used to be a place of connection and grounding for many couples. With these options off the table, couples have struggled to recreate dates and romance at home. Why are dates important? They provide us with an opportunity to remember why we chose our partners in the first place, experience new things together, bond over common interests, and distance and decompress from stressors. Without them, relationships can become stagnant.

Too much of a good thing
Most of us having been living on top of our partners for the last several months, which has actually prevented us from wanting to be on top of our partners. We aren’t afforded as many opportunities to distance from the relationship, which can be a good thing. A little bit of distance allows us to miss our partners and actually draws us back into the relationship, and helps create a desire for intimacy. For some individuals, partners have also become coworkers and/or classmates which blurs the line between our Person (the individual that helps us center and focus, provides comfort, the person we run to and seek in times of stress) and other people we may encounter.

So what do I do?

Self Care is Essential
Allow me to offer you a daily mantra: It is impossible to show up in relationships if you cannot show up for yourself. Self care can mean many things: making a point to exercise, creating routines, setting boundaries around work and home spaces (turning off email notifications, shutting down from work at a hard start/stop), taking time to decompress, connecting with social supports, and engaging in hobbies or projects can all improve self care and mental health. Take self care time both within and outside of the relationship. If you have children or pets that often interfere with self care time, support your partner by providing an hour of supervision for them to perform self care and then trade off. Self care has to be our first priority, as it provides the fuel for us to do everything else, including relationships. If your heart, your head, or your body are struggling, then it becomes increasingly difficult to experience or express intimacy within your relationship.

Intimacy is More Than Sex
Intimacy is more than sex. Many partners experience intimacy only when it is leading to sexual contact, which often causes partners to withdraw from intimacy entirely. In addition, being on top of each other all the time has caused many partners to disengage from intentional, non-sexual contact. In addition to foreplay and sexual contact, every relationship needs intimate contact that either is non-sexual in nature or does not lead to sexual contact in every instance. This could include hugs, hand holding, massage, close physical proximity, gentle touch, and kissing, among other things. If you’ve fallen out of practice in providing your partner with an array of intimate contact, start with close proximity or hand holding. Ask your partner what kind of physical contact they enjoy and go from there. When you increase intimacy in your relationship overall, it leads to increased felt intimacy (as opposed to experienced intimacy or sexual contact) which helps build connection, and in turn libido.

Create New Experiences
Create new experiences within your relationship: it sounds simple, but in reality, is a very broad statement. This could include dates, subscription boxes, communication, and sexual contact. Regardless of what you decide to do, relationships tend to fall into routines which are what leads to things feeling “stale”. Subscription boxes can be a helpful tool for couples to plan a date around every month. If you’ve been ordering takeout and streaming television for the last several months, try reading together and sharing about your books. Build a fort and watch seasonal movies, or childhood favorites. Set a goal to write each other a love note on a post it and hide them every day. Even if you don’t hit the goal, you’ll be doing a lot! Set a time weekly to sit down and communicate about the relationship: check in on sex, intimacy, finances, meal planning, and whatever else you may need to talk about. When it comes to sex, we often hear about “spicing things up”. This doesn’t have to be eccentric, expensive, or complicated. Simply changing positions or locations (if you’re able) can be helpful. Sex, just like everything else in our relationships, can fall into patterns and feel stale. Have an open, honest, non-judgmental conversation with your partner about what they enjoy and what they have fantasies about and make a plan with your partner to incorporate some different things. It is important to have the conversation with your partner, as consent is ongoing and critical to a healthy libido and sex life. It’s never effective to spring something new on your partner during sex, unless it has been previously discussed. Consent and conversations about sex can be some of the sexiest, most intimate things a couple can do.

Make a Plan
In general, couples should be frequently communicating about their relationship. With winter approaching and increasing limitations around outside activities, it’s important to have a plan for your relationship over the winter. What can you do to keep engaging with your partner, intimately, relationally, and sexually? How will you work to perform self care, and support your partner in their self care routine? Are there untapped projects, hobbies, or opportunities you can take advantage of? What will the holidays look like, especially with limitations due to COVID? Did you have a great routine over the summer? How can you transition that plan into a winter routine? What resources are you lacking, and what can you do to fill in those gaps? If you develop a plan now, it will be easier to follow this winter.

Communicate Often
Communication is so important to sexual health, intimacy, and relationships and most of only communicate about the relationship when there is a problem. That leads to avoidance and increased strain and stress, which… lowers libido. Particularly where sex is concerned, informed consent is ongoing. If a partner consents to a certain position or act once, that doesn’t guarantee they will consent to it again, or every day or on certain days. Check in with your partner: what do they enjoy? What are they missing or wanting to try? When do they feel most attractive? What helps them feel attracted to you? Are either or both of you having issues with mental health, diet, physical health, trauma, or something else that could be contributing to low libido?

If All Else Fails…
If you have tried these things and aren’t seeing improvement in your relationship, consider couples counseling. Particularly if you are having issues around sex and intimacy, consider counseling. It’s always ok to ask your therapist questions such as: what are your experiences with sex therapy or couples counseling? What is your approach to couples counseling? Alternatively, if you have non-traditional sex practices or non-monogamous relationships, ask your therapist if they have had experience counseling individuals, partners, or couples in your situation. If you are having difficulties with physical health or physical components of sex such as maintaining an erection or difficulties with penetration, talk to your doctor.

For further reading, consider Resurrecting Sex, by David Schnarch or Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel.

Hansen, Brianna. “Crash and Burnout: Is Workplace Stress the New Normal?” Wrike, 6 Sept. 2018, www.wrike.com/blog/stress-epidemic-report-announcement/.

–Andi Gregorek, MA, MFT

Want to schedule a 10-minute call with our Intake Coordinator?  Check out our scheduling link here.

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This report shows that “Public health actions, such as social distancing, can make people feel isolated and lonely and can increase stress and anxiety. However, these actions are necessary to reduce the spread of COVID-19. Coping with stress in a healthy way will make you, the people you care about, and your community stronger. (Coronavirus Disease 2019: Coping with Stress)

So how do we cope?

• First and foremost, know the signs and symptoms of COVID-19 and where to get help if you feel them. Have a physician on standby via telehealth; know your local resources and be prepared.
• Wear personal protective equipment when you go out so that you and your loved ones are safe.
• Stick to routines. Life has been turned upside down. Many of us now work from home. School is online. Children are home. Routines are more important now than ever.
• Exercise at least three to four times a week.
• Eat regularly and keep your blood sugar steady. No long fasting times so that your body is starved and then stuffed.
• Take care of your body:
  • Take deep breaths, stretch, and meditate daily.
  • Check out our Meditation Mondays on YouTube.
  • Get plenty of sleep.
  • Drink water.
  • Avoid excessive alcohol and drug use.
• Unwind each day – do something fun! A hobby such as gardening, reading, wine tasting, biking, anything that is not work…but is PLAY.
• Connect with others. Talk with people you trust and share your concerns.
• Connect with like-minded people through social media, online, by phone, or by mail.
• Find a “pen pal” at a prison or a nursing home – your life and theirs will be richly blessed by this simple act.

Remember that people of all ages feel the stress and loneliness of COVID-19. Be creative and curious as you explore ways to cope. You may surprise yourself with new and creative ways to find peace in the midst of this pandemic.

– Renee Ahern,  PhD, MS, MDiv, LPCC-S

Want to schedule a 10-minute call with our Intake Coordinator?  Check out our scheduling link here.

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This list of possible similarities could go on and on. Many of us know intimately about grief – losing loved ones, jobs, dreams, partners, stability, mental status – and we know about loss. Onto the stage of this already challenging life enters an unknown – COVID-19. COVID comes in many forms – with no symptoms, with life altering symptoms like amputations, blood clots, aneurysms, pediatric Multi-System Inflammatory Syndrome and much more. People live and people die with COVID-19. In a time when we used to go anywhere anytime, we now huddle in our homes to wait and watch and worry.

Are these questions familiar to you?

• Do we go on vacation this summer?
• Is it OK to go out for a burger or a beer?
• What about church or the Synagogue or the Mosque?
• Can I take the kids to daycare?
• What will the university look like in the Fall?
• Will I be able to keep my job?

Confusion, guilt, anger, bargaining, denial, depression – These all meet us with both COVID-19 and with grief. They are like a tornado hitting. There is no rhyme or reason to the timing of these feelings. They barge into our lives like a tornado – just when we thought we had everything under control.

Both grief and COVID-19 hurt. Don’t face these difficulties alone. Support groups are available. Counselors are available. Your family and friends want to love and support you in these difficult days.

When my mother was dying and for many weeks after her death, one of the healing gifts I received was a hot meal every Thursday night from the mechanic who worked on her car. He was a terrific cook. He was quiet. Never stopped over for long. He just stopped by to say, “I care.” Writing this five years later, my eyes still well with tears of gratitude for those who show wonderful acts of kindness during times of grief.

-Renee Ahern,  PhD, MS, MDiv, LPCC-S

Want to schedule a 10-minute call with our Intake Coordinator?  Check out our scheduling link here.

The post Grief and COVID-19 – Cohabitating Crises appeared first on Holistic Consultation.

Writing down your thoughts can help you explore your own feelings, even if you have a hard time articulating them to others. You may find that regularly reflecting helps you to see the bigger picture more clearly.

Reflecting can also be a great way to record your own resilience.

Understanding that you’re more resilient than you think can also be a comfort, especially during confusing or scary times. We will all have to tap into our stores of resilience at times, so having examples of how you’ve been resilient in the past might make you feel more equipped to handle the future.

If you’re looking for ways to capture your reflections or even start a journaling practice, here are some prompts to get you started:

• What (or who) are you grateful for today?
• Has quarantine given you any opportunities to try new things?
• Is there anything you need right now? Who can you ask for help to get it?
• What brought you joy in the past? What brings you joy now?
• Who gives you great advice or insight?
• Write about a time that you were proud of yourself.
• How does your body communicate? Do you listen when it does?
• What are you looking forward to most when quarantine is over?
• Are there any major changes you want to make based on the quarantine?
• Have you learned you don’t need something during quarantine? What is it?
• How can you tell someone you care about them today?
• How can you use your resources to make life easier for someone else?
• What gives you hope right now?
• What situations make you feel anxious? Is there anything you can do to ease that anxiety?
• If you could form any new habit, what would it be?

Journaling is an act of self-care. You deserve to have a safe place where you can explore your thoughts and feelings without fear or judgment.

If you’re looking for more support, our clinicians can help.

Want to schedule a 10-minute call with our Intake Coordinator?  Check out our scheduling link here.

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At Holistic Consultation, like you, we are closely monitoring the effects of COVID-19 on our community.

We know that you place a tremendous amount of trust in us and we’re taking every precaution to protect you, our staff, and our community during this time.

Because of this, some important changes may affect you.

New Safety Precautions for In-Office Appointments

Holistic Consultation is taking the following precautions to protect you and to help slow the spread of the COVID-19.

While we realize select clients may need to be seen in person, we are not officially opening the offices until it is completely safe to do so. To the extent telehealth is a viable option, it should continue to be used.

• Effective May 11, all new or ongoing clients who will be seen in the office must complete a COVID-19 Office Consent. The consent is also available on our website under www.holisticconsultationllc.com/client-forms and in the office.
• When possible, appointments will continue to be scheduled at specific intervals to minimize the number of people in the waiting room.
• All clients should wait in their cars or outside until no earlier than 5 minutes before their appointment times.
• At the scheduled appointment time, the interior office door will be opened by your clinician. The interior office doors will remain locked at all other times.
• Check-in kiosks and other areas that are commonly touched will continue to be thoroughly sanitized on a regular basis.
• Safe social distancing will continue to be maintained. Office seating in the waiting rooms and in therapy rooms may be rearranged for appropriate physical distancing and usual therapy rooms may change to ensure proper social distancing.
• Restroom soap dispensers will continue to be maintained and frequent hands washing continues to be encouraged.
• Hand sanitizer will continue to be available in the office.
• Tissues and trash bins will continue to be easily accessible. Trash will continue to be disposed of on a frequent basis.
• Common areas will continue to be thoroughly disinfected at the end of each day and deep cleaned weekly.
• The use of masks should be based on the comfort level of the clinician and client to meet utilizing/not utilizing masks.
• Physical contact will not be permitted.

Additional Questions? Concerns? Feel free to reach out. We are happy to help.

Want to schedule a 10-minute call with our Intake Coordinator?  Check out our scheduling link here.

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